by Kevin Graves

The publisher wants rants, well here’s a rant. “Privileged White Guy Rant”, coming at you from the mean streets of Eugene, Oregon.

Why do guys drive those insanely jacked up trucks? Not the kind of truck one shows at a car show a few times a year, but I’m talking daily drivers. Do they not know that approximately 98% of the world looks at those trucks and assumes the driver has a small penis? It’s like having a giant bumper sticker that says, “I’M FUCKING COMPENSATING!!!”

And why, inevitably, do these same guys park facing out in their parking spaces, instead of facing in, like everyone else? Are they like Clark Griswald and want to make sure they are the first one out at the end of the day when all those forward-parkers are fighting to get out of their normal, pedestrian, ordinary parking spots. The losers. I know, I know some huge percentage of wrecks happen in parking lots, so you could maybe sorta kinda make a case that parking like an asshole is safer than what everyone normal does. But really, these guys are concerned with safety? In those giant, oversized death machines? Safety is not first.

And lastly, about these same tiny-dicked-backward-parking-assholes, why is it that these guys not only lift their truck up like a kid in puberty wearing pants that are three inches off their shoes, but they throw million-dollar tires and rims that BY DEFINITION, lower the gas efficiency of the truck? And then these same guys are the first and loudest ones bitching about gas prices!

Yeah, I know what you’re thinking, asking humans to be consistent is like asking a bear to not shit in the woods, but when I find myself being inconsistent, I either change my ways, or shut the fuck up. If I can do it, so can they.